and so it begins

Here I am at my computer, late at night, typing out my thoughts while my husband and infant twins sleep. I am awake, and will remain so, until I can pump (by 'pump', I mean breast milk... yep; it's one of those blogs, so stop reading now if you are squeamish) once more before going to bed for a few hours... only to awaken and do it once again prior to the rest of the household waking in the morning.

Recently, my husband spent 70 minutes on the phone with a friend of his to whom he doesn't get to speak often. I was happy for him to have some socialization outside of our babies, but it startled me when I couldn't remember the last time we talked on the phone for that long.

And then it depressed me when I figured we probably don't talk that much in a whole day added up anymore (and by 'anymore', I mean -- now that we have twins).

I am thankful every day we have a strong marriage and a solid attraction to one another, because without that, the infrequent showering and sleep-deprivation which come with new-parenthood could make a couple very unappealing to each other. Our biggest issue lately (besides having absolutely no time as a couple who could pretend they don't have kids) is that breast feeding has gotten me too skinny. (Yeah, I know... cry me a river, right? But trust me, this ain't cute). After many comments on my weight from my loving partner, I let him know that I can't stand to hear another word about it and that all will be back to normal when I am no longer a functioning liquid buffet.

What I can't seem to put a stop to is the other people who make their own comments about my size. Some people say their piece and then add, 'well, that's why she's so thin; two babies!', but others feel they have to give advice. Stuff I must appear to not already know, (even though I was obviously able to figure out how to become pregnant) like, 'you know you have to make sure you eat'. I can't imagine how these same people refrain from offering to 'help' those who may carry a few extra pounds. How tough it must be to hold one's tongue and not say, 'you are really eating too much'. Could be very helpful; maybe people aren't aware of that.

Lately I have been feeling pretty invisible around here, though I am keenly aware that I am necessary. My husband can do everything I do with the babies and does the whole morning routine on his own while I sleep in a little (waking in the middle of the night to pump really disrupts a restful sleep). Sure, I make the 'food', but aside from making those deposits into the fridge, I go pretty unnoticed.

Because of this feeling, I have made it my mission to rediscover myself over the next few months and try to find myself again. Granted, now isn't the time to dig up my old goth clothes or start running around going to bars like in my 20's, but I really miss the girl I was before the babies came. Don't get me wrong; I love those two monkeys like nothing ever before, but I still haven't figured out who I am now that I am their mother.