D is for 'done'

My days of having the rack of my dreams are numbered. Soon, there'll no longer be a need for the letter 'D' in my undergarment drawer. I've accumulated enough milk to stop pumping at the end of this month and still feed my twins until they are 12 months in December.

To be honest, this momentous occasion is bittersweet for me. Breast feeding was my #1 goal once I found out I was pregnant, and I still had that goal once I knew I was having twins. My babies latched on well, but were such slow eaters, I had no time to nurse them and still pump so that someone else could feed them and I could shower, pee, sleep, breathe, or eat, and so I made the very difficult decision when they were about 5 weeks old to pump exclusively and build up my supply that way. Looking back, I recall the tears and how awful it was for me to make that decision. It meant giving my babies a little formula with their breast milk while I 'taught' my breasts all about how much work they'd have to do for feeding twins. You might as well have told me that I should start my precious babies on a diet of cigarettes and candy, the way I felt about formula! It seemed I was failing before I was really out of the gate. Would they ever feel how much I loved them and was my decision to give them the nutritional optimum of breast milk even though, for me, it meant giving up the closeness true nursing, a good choice?

At around the twins' 5 month mark, my husband (who made up the next day's formula the night before so as to make things easier for me when mixing it with ebm in bottles for feeding) noticed we seemed to have enough milk to ease up, or even quit needing altogether, the formula entirely. At that point, I felt I had reached my goal of 'feeding' my twins. I was triumphant. I felt like I was doing the most basic thing I could do for them; even if I was to be unsure of everything else I did in their lives, at least they had breast milk. I had stuck to my grueling pumping schedule of every 2 hours for all 24 hours of every day (and night!), and I'd finally made it!

Now, my babies are nearly 10 months and over 20 pounds in weight and over 30" in length. After months of struggling with the chronic constipation of my son, and trying to add nearly everything possible to his diet so as to be able to avoid using medications daily/weekly to help him 'go', I came up with the radical thought that perhaps he was getting too much milk in his diet; more than he needed at that age. It is easy to do with bottle-feeding breast milk, since babies don't have to 'work' to get milk and can sometimes overeat. I wondered why adding up to 16 ounces of water, fruit juice, flax oil, and feeding only foods with fiber wasn't helping in a reliable manner. It came to me when I asked myself, 'what has he had all his life that I could potentially cut back or remove from his diet since nothing I am adding is helping?'

To be fair, I also consulted a baby manual and it seems that a 10 month old infant really only needs 4-6 ounces of milk 3-4 times a day and I was giving 8 ounces and sometimes much more, thinking that breast milk is such a wonder food. I was so impressed with my body's ability to provide for twins, and opening my fridge and seeing the bottles and bottles of milk --from ME-- was exhilarating... I'd put it on the twins' cereal, sometimes sneaked it into other foods, and if they wanted it more than the rate I gave it, they could have it. I thought I was doing the right thing. I'd never read that too much of this 'perfect food' could be a bad thing.

Thinking more simply... too much of anything can be bad for anyone, and milk can be constipating -- yes, even breast milk sometimes, or at least in my case, which is something else they don't tell you. They also don't tell you to offer a baby water until after 6 or 12 months, and lead you to believe that constipation won't happen to breast fed babies until you start solid foods. I am here to tell you that for the last 2.5 days, I have cut back on milk (6 ounces each of 3 feedings), and increased the foods I offer, and kept offering diluted juice in between meals, and my son is back to moving his bowels 2-3 times a day with ease! When nothing else worked -- nothing -- trusting my gut came through for me. I feel like more of a mother now than I ever have in my 10 months of being one!!!

But back to my boobs, since they are the topic, after all. I LOVE them right now. Sure, they can't be stimulated too much, and my nursing bras aren't so sexy. Sure, I've grown WAY too accustomed to lifting my shirt and pumping in the middle of my living room, even if people are here (of course, I tell them not to enter the door-less room first, but still...). But, I have to say, aside from the pride I feel of being able to provide breast milk for my babies, I feel rather womanly and dare I say, 'hot' (maybe) with my D cups. Hence, the bittersweetness of my last days pumping. I will have my husband return my rental pump (my second one after burning up the first one, which I owned) and it may be a little like losing a companion. Though early on I spent more time with it than I do now, having to 'only' pump 6 times every 24 hours and for less time per session, still, we've really been close, both physically (ha!) and psychologically speaking. It may be a joy and a pain to see it go.

However, let's be real. It will be the hooters I miss the most. I am trying to prepare for what I am imagining to be my upcoming shoot in National Geographic where I will undoubtedly be featured as a topless, saggy-breasted Midwestern mother who overused herself to feed her twins. I will say goodbye to that girl who beautifully filled out her tops of late. Gone will be my long-desired voluptuousness, I am afraid.

Must close now, so I can practice the earliest part of the alphabet (you know, the A, the B...?).